CRISIS OF PERSONALITY
You get up in the morning and don’t know what to do. Life has become mechanical and unbearable. You have lost your ideas. To act for satisfaction is as senseless as not to act.
Everything is incredibly bad and uncomfortable, and your partners are so awkward that you even cannot feel sexual satisfaction. Nature does not obey you. You grow old. You have appeared in a mad tempest and don’t know how to take revenge; to become a terrorist or to commit suicide.
If this emotional state is familiar to you, you are in the crisis of personality, your “I” has appeared at an impasse, and is unable to distinguish wish from expediency.
This same emotional problem lies in the basis of revolution, war, hunger, unemployment. At the basis of every political and economic crisis. And mad people, who, if not guided by supernatural phenomena, are guided by their irrational world outlook and phony “moral criteria”, rule the economy and politics. If everything in life went so harmonic as in prenatal darkness, and we were perfect like nature, then there would not be need for writing these words. But unfortunately I have to.
It is an indisputable truth that man differs from other animals, by trying to regulate the nature, and create artificial environments, which would be in his total submission. It is the crisis that makes one think about the incompatibility of reality and imagination. Man’s problems and tribulation stem from discrepancy between reality and intellect.
Instead of conforming imagination to reality, it is total madness to forcibly close the gap between imagination and reality, by arguing that it is unavoidable. Today democratic elections seem strange, because the state has been presented in the model of family, where one does not elect one’s parents. Isn’t prudence supposed to prevent one man’s madness from turning the world into a sadomasochistic hell?
You are at an impasse. You are not understood. You look for the external causes. You try to make nature obedient to you. You are led by a pseudo-axiom of “the weak is always guilty”. You keep justifying that you are weak, and therefore guilty. It is only in extreme situations, that you understand you have not started to live, and you are unable to win against reality (the nature, other people, yourself…). But isn’t it your own haughtiness and self-enjoyment that make you greed and mean? Isn’t it your own false world-outlook that causes your headaches, ulcer, and depression? Isn’t all this result of endless dissatisfaction with the material world, with sex and justification of senseless wars?
Nobody wants to be unsuccessful. You were successful once.
Pragmatism explains well why you have to assist your competitors to be successful also. But you want to be the only and irreplaceable one, the loved and the successful one. You get conflict with people like yourself. You are deserted but not alone. You expect to be helped. You can not forgive your parents, and understand that a person is the result of his parents’ sexual desire. Your parents love you for what you do. They are not eager for you to glorify them by demeaning yourself. They only want to be understood.
28. 09. 99